Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Mistakes and Stress

"A man's errors are his portals of discovery.” - James Joyce

I've mentioned before how I feel like our move here to Vegas from Sacramento was an error. We had hoped for a better job situation, lower cost of living, and were given empty promises. 

On my way to pickup Hayden from daycare and drop him off at school yesterday an ache came over me while driving. I've been consumed with stress over our financial situation. I've reached a point where I feel hopeless, like no matter how hard I work to try and make it better, it just won't get better. This ache crept up into my throat and then I started to cry. And I hate crying. Nothing has ever been accomplished from crying. All I get is a swollen red face and even more sadness.

Brian doesn't stress over these things. He's the anti-stresser, he's always telling me to relax, and that things will happen whether I stress over them or not. At times it feels like because he isn't stressing he's not taking our problems seriously. Then that takes a toil on our relationship, we argue, and then all the stress he's been hiding inside spews out like an eruption.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I work a lot,  I don't spend an excessive amount of money on anything, I do as many freelance and extra jobs as I can yet I keep getting into a deeper and deeper hole of financial problems. Just when we fix one thing something bigger and more expensive explodes. I don't know if this hole will get shallow at some point. It's looking pretty bleak right now but I can hope that out of all this I will discover something worth all this struggle.

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