Fix it.

I've always been the type of person who fixes things when they are broke. When my vacuum cleaner is clogged with gross doggy hair and starts to smell like it's burning, I sit down with my screwdriver, take that shit apart and pull out every ounce of crap until it's clean. When our garbage disposal was broken and Brian wanted to call a handyman I pulled out some wrenches, watched a Youtube tutorial and fixed it.
When I was unhappy with my horrible job at a print shop I sent out thousands of resumes until I found a new job.
When I'm feeling fat I workout or diet.
It's completely satisfying once the thing is fixed and I feel accomplished in that goal. 

(source thebigarumph on etsy)

Brian and I had a pretty bad two years up until about September of last year. It was definitely a hard process full of long conversations that turned into arguments that turned into crying that turned into apologies. I read a lot of books, Brian and I each had to do some serious self-examination, identify our problems, and learn how to fix them.Then we had to sit down and take that shit apart piece by piece until we removed all the crap.

But we did. We fixed it. The things we went through made us stronger and now we are looking back completely satisfied that we fixed it.
We're going on 13 years together. 13 YEARS.
I don't know anyone my age (or even within a few years of my age) that has been with someone for 13 years. We're proud, happy, and so much in love. Brian has been my best friend through all of it and I am so completely grateful to have him in my life.

My advice to anyone having relationship problems is one word : communication. 
If you don't have that then really I don't know what to tell you.

Healthy (metal) Living: My own low carb

About a week ago I decided I need to put a little more effort into my quest to lose weight. With pool season coming up I don't want to wear a bikini without losing at least 10-15 pounds.
A year after I had Hayden I had done my own version of a low carb diet along with some working out and lost about 30 pounds. Since it's the only method that ever worked for me I figured I'd try it again.
I started my low carb diet 9 days ago and have already lost almost 7 pounds.

I am limiting myself to 30 net carbs a day for the first two weeks. This includes cutting out beer, wine, soda, french fries and my favorite desert chocolate chip cookies.  The only thing I didn't give up is my morning coffee which I make taste as close to chocolate milk as I can.

It's been a little more difficult this time around considering that Brian and I have lunch together on work days. That man can live off fast food and not gain a pound. He's a screen printer, and does it manually.
If you want  flat abs get a manual screen print set up in your garage. It's probably the most productive way to lose weight. You'll tone your abs and make money selling shirts. We don't have one in our garage and I don't think his boss would appreciate me hanging out all the time.
Most of my weekday lunches consist of salads with grilled chicken and low fat dressing. Our dinners have been mostly barbecued meat with either a salad for a side or steamed veggies.
When barbecuing you have to watch what kind of marinades or sauces you put on your meat. Some are high in carbs (like Yoshida's) others are low in carbs like Lawry's Steak and Chop which was great on grilled pork chops along with the veggie stir fry we had last night.
I found a lot of low carb recipes here.
I also just looked around at my grocery store for anything that claimed low carb. I found some great tortillas at Albertsons called Ole. They have 5 net carbs per tortilla and taste really great unlike some other low carb tortillas out there.

In addition to the diet I've been taking b12 still every morning and doing more to be active.

Hopefully this will be effective. I'll update as I can.

Memorial Weekend Redux

We had a wonderful 3 day weekend. Lots of hanging out with friends, a great belated birthday dinner and drinks with my friend Brandy, playing lots of Madden online, supporting the Erotic Heritage Museum by attending a goth dance party on Saturday, having a picnic in the park with the boys, breaking the HOA law and letting Barley get his swim on in the neighborhood pool, and bbqing it up!

Happy Thursday

Last week I started up my own version of a low carb diet again. Last time I dieted was after I had Hayden and lost about 30 pounds. My goal this time is only 15 but it's still hard work. Low carb of course means lots of barbecues (which really isn't any different from the usual around here). Last night Brian and our friend Cody made some amazing Brats and BBQ'd Chicken (sorry vegetarians). I also found some low carb, low calorie premade Margaritas which were delish.

These two boys make me so happy. I am so grateful to have the best two men in the whole world in my life. This morning they both greeted me with a "Happy Thursday!"  As we rode along together to drop Hayden off at daycare we all chatted about video games and what we hope to do this weekend.

Weekend Redux in Pictures

 Saturday we attended an open house/bbq for the rehearsal studios we rent at. Hayden spent two whole hours in a bouncy house, rocked out on the drums, and then posed in photos with another band. 

As the day winded down the sky was beautiful! 

Our little corner patio garden is doing pretty well.

 We bbq'd on Sunday. A delicious Tri-tip and enjoyed some Blue Moon Summer Ale.

Both our little guys have beautiful hair.

Penguin Throwup

On May 12th we played a somewhat secret show for a friends birthday. We had a show the night before with a touring band, and couldn't really promote this show as .bipolar.
We came up with a special band name Penguin Throwup (which is Hayden's Rock Band video game band name). We ordered special masks, decided on wearing black and white clothes, and learned two cover songs for just this show. We only used word of mouth to promote it and the turn out was great.
I wanted it to be a fun experience and to make the most of it for the friends who would be there.
Our photographer friend Justin was there to capture it on film. Here are some of the amazing photos he took, the entire gallery is here:

TILT: Making me Happy

Hayden's become such a little sweet heart. Just like his awesome dad he knows just what to say to cheer me up and make me feel great! The other day while driving him to school, he looked over smiled big and told me I was the best mom! <3 Seeing my friend Cathy who I miss a lot!! <3  Bitchin Kitchen - Even though I don't get this channel I've been watching clips on youtube and they are so awesome! There's two books Nadia G's Bitchin' Kitchen: Cookin' for Trouble, and Bitchin' Kitchen Cookbook: Rock Your Kitchen--And Let the Boys Clean Up the Mess I found that quickly were added to my wishlist.  <3 Finding my own music on spotify.  <3 Getting sweet notes from Hayden when I get home from work. <3 My Kindle fire and finding free classics like A Tale of Two Cities for free!  <3 Finding awesome leggings like these! <3 MAKEUP, Pantone and Sephora, and Concrete Minerals (which I sell so if you'd like to order some hit me up). I bought a new makeup set a couple weeks ago after needing to replace my old one of 2 years and I love all the palettes and coming up with new colors to match.


I'm waiting patiently for some photos from our shows this past weekend, I can't wait to share them!!!

Weekend Redux: Show, Show, Mom's Day

This weekend we  played two shows. One was as .bipolar. at a local venue we play quite often and normally has a good crowd. The other was as our side band Penguin Throwup at The Bikini Bar which has quickly become one of the best spots in Vegas for local hard rock/metal. The Friday night show wasn't as well crowded as we had hope. Especially considering that we and all the bands promoted the crap out of it. The Saturday night show was much better in many ways. We had a great crowd and we pretty much only promoted it by word of mouth and texts.

Sunday was a long day of recouping from the shows. Brian made me a beautiful breakfast and Hayden pulled out a surprise gift and card he had made me at school. It was a tile with his handprint and a beautiful poem on it. We spent the day relaxing and I made my boys watch four episodes of Greek while I re-hydrated. Later in the afternoon Brian went and picked up our friend from his work. Three hours later they came home and we had chimichangas from Don Tortaco, which are amazing.
Overall it was a great weekend and a good Mother's day.

Things I'm afraid to tell you

I read a lot of blogs. I have a whole bookmark list of beautiful blogs I read on a daily basis. All of them written by women whom I would love to be friends with. In a way I am, but its a very one sided friendship; I get to peek into their lives, get inspired by their style, learn about how to style their favorite hairstyles, laugh at their hilarious anecdotes on motherhood, and read through the pains of life. But while I sit here with my coffee and peek through these windows, there's no one peeking back at me. These women don't know me at all.

One of the blogs I frequent shared a link to another blog featuring a post about "Things I'm Afraid To Tell You."  A bunch of bloggers are participating in a small movement of openess on their blogs and you can find the participating list at Creature Comforts here.

Most of the blogs I read share so many beautiful inspiring things and not so much of the dirty struggles of life. Most of the bloggers participating in the Things I'm Afraid To Tell you movement address the issue of comparison. We see these beautifully edited lives and compare them to our not so beautifully edited lives, which is as productive as comparing our lives to television shows.

I've addressed a lot of my struggles in my blog like finances, marriage, job issues and more.  I don't have a huge array of readers like most of the blogs I read. I'm not really a fashion blogger or a design blogger either, so I guess it's a little less daunting for me to be extremely open but there are things I steer away from writing for fear that I will appear weaker or less interesting than I wish to. So many times I've typed up a post, saved it to my drafts, then thought about it. The words may sting and twist in my gut then I delete it.

So, now here are some of the Things I'm Afraid to Tell You

- I spend way too much time in front of my television.
Lately it's been playing Madden online against other people. Most of the time it's watching hours of television shows and movies. I get stuck in this void of unproductive television consumption and I know it's bad, and lazy, but when I'm broke and worked all day all I want to is veg out. I recently became addicted to Greek and have watched 5 whole seasons in the last month. I have to make a plan to be more productive, to work out, read more, and leave the house for more than band practice or shows.

- I don't have any real women/girl/female best friends anymore. 
When we first moved to Vegas I had acquired a handful of girlfriends pretty easily. A few I went to high school with and others I met through our band members or guy friends. I had a good group of best friends within a year of being here. One female pretended to be my friend then lied, caused an enormous amount of drama in my life whose tremors are still felt almost three years later. Someone I thought was a friend ended up being disrespectful and treating me like crap when I was going through a hard time. When I had issues in my marriage my real friends were there for me.  But when I lost my car and the ability to go out as often my friendships seemed to fade. I'm guilty of giving up on friends after time and time again of trying and getting no reciprocation. It sucks to text, call, email and message to spend time with them for it to never pan out.

- I worry too much.
I stress over things and let them get the best of me. Lately it's been not having a vehicle and sharing Brian's truck while it needs a ton of work. What if it breaks down and we have no money to fix it? What if we can't ever afford to get it registered? There's no bus line that runs from my house to my work.

-I wish we could be closer to families.
My mom and I have had a better relationship over the last 7 years then we ever had while I was growing up. She's been an awesome grandma to Hayden and it sucks that her and my stepdad live so far away in Florida. Brian's family is great and big, but they live in Washington and we're lucky if we get to see them once a year. Since my father has completely failed as a grandfather I feel like Hayden's lacking a real sense of family and what it should be.

-After 12 years of singing for bands I worry that I've wasted my time. 
I've had some amazing experiences being in bands over the last twelve years. I've met amazing people, wrote some passionate songs, played fun shows and tried my best to be a positive impact on both the Sacramento and Vegas music scenes. But in turn I've spent thousands of dollars and hours keeping the band afloat while now I really don't have a lot to show for it. I get frustrated when I feel like the other members of the band don't put in enough work or effort into it. I lose my motivation when ever someone quits. I hate that we continue to play shows and make little to no money.

So these are my few things I was afraid to share. Please make sure to visit the other many blogs of people divulging their innermost truths and support them.

Weekend Redux: Boring

This weekend was kind of dull. We pretty much just hung out at home playing video games and spending time with the boy. We haven't the funds to have much fun lately. Yesterday he started feeling ill and needed to be picked up from daycare early in the day. He's been coughing and complaining of an upset tummy and is home again today. It's sometimes hard to know when he's sick. He'll say he doesn't feel well and then he's rolling around and playing like usual. But yesterday he rested all day, no video games, no toys. Hopefully he'll start feeling better today.

In honor of MCA

It was 1989 and I was living in military housing in Northern California. An older boy Russell who was my best friend Davona's brother made me a cassette tape of  Licensed to Ill. I listened to that tape so much after a couple months I had to buy a new one.

While in high school in 1997 I was a volunteer dj at KUNV.   My favorite song to play on the air was Professor Booty off Check Your Head.

Beastie Boys have been the only music group over the last 23 years that have been a staple as inspiration and a major soundtrack of my life.

Smiles and Garbage Plants

Even though the stress has been overwhelming as of late I am still very grateful for my life.

Hayden has this special way of warming my heart and making me feel like as long as we're rich in love all will be ok.

Our little man takes the most awesome school pictures. As soon as I got the picture above I was so excited and proud I just grabbed him up in a hug and wouldn't let go. 

He's been fascinated by our plants in the backyard. Last week he gathered some sticks and rocks and put them in a pot calling it his "garbage plant." He's been obsessed with watering it twice a day. Yesterday I let him pick out seeds for a real plant. He picked orange cosmos. I told him we should wait till Daddy got home before we planted them, so we could all be involved. As soon as Brian got home last night he grabbed the seed packet and ran outside. Before we realized he had dumped out his "garbage plant" from the pot and had poured the seeds into the empty pot. We had to explain that without dirt it wouldn't grow, so we grabbed all the seeds out and replanted it correctly. At 6 am today he thought he would be able to have a full grown plant already, and woke us up so he could water it.

Mistakes and Stress

"A man's errors are his portals of discovery.” - James Joyce

  

I've mentioned before how I feel like our move here to Vegas from Sacramento was an error. We had hoped for a better job situation, lower cost of living, and were given empty promises. 

On my way to pickup Hayden from daycare and drop him off at school yesterday an ache came over me while driving. I've been consumed with stress over our financial situation. I've reached a point where I feel hopeless, like no matter how hard I work to try and make it better, it just won't get better. This ache crept up into my throat and then I started to cry. And I hate crying. Nothing has ever been accomplished from crying. All I get is a swollen red face and even more sadness.

Brian doesn't stress over these things. He's the anti-stresser, he's always telling me to relax, and that things will happen whether I stress over them or not. At times it feels like because he isn't stressing he's not taking our problems seriously. Then that takes a toil on our relationship, we argue, and then all the stress he's been hiding inside spews out like an eruption.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I work a lot,  I don't spend an excessive amount of money on anything, I do as many freelance and extra jobs as I can yet I keep getting into a deeper and deeper hole of financial problems. Just when we fix one thing something bigger and more expensive explodes. I don't know if this hole will get shallow at some point. It's looking pretty bleak right now but I can hope that out of all this I will discover something worth all this struggle.