Thursday, March 29, 2012

Dr. Mommy

It started on Monday when Brian picked up Hayden from school and he complained of being really cold and feeling like he had to throw up. It turned into battling 102-103 fevers, upset tummy, and two days of calling me Dr. Mommy.

On Sunday we had taken Hayden bike riding, so once he was sick he claimed it was because of having to ride his bike. I then explained to him all the many things that can cause a person of 5 years old to get sick. Including not letting me cut his fingernails which collect dirt and germs and then get in his mouth when he eats, not eating enough vegetables or taking vitamins, and not washing his hands after playing in the cesspool of a playground at his school. And this people is how germ-a-phobes are created.

On one hand I got to spend a lot of time with my little man, but on the other it consisted of stressing out over him getting well and checking his temperature every ten minutes. I was also stressing about catching it myself which would RUIN our planned weekend of selfish birthday enjoyment.

On top of keeping my little man hydrated and medicated I was able to to get addicted to two series on Netflix; Brothers & Sisters and Greek, put in my new plugs, do some freelance work from home, and play a lot of Worms Armageddon against people on the PS Network.

He's better this morning; not having a fever for over 24 hours, jumping, playing, trying to climb onto my back like a cowboy and making up extensive imaginary stories as his normal self.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

My most wanted: A Birthday Wishlist of Sorts

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My husband isn't the best at planning for holidays, buying gifts, or preparing for special days in any way. He makes up for that however with extreme enthusiasm for a whole week before my birthday. He wakes me up with kisses and tells me "happy birthday week" every day before the day itself.

This weekend he asked me what I wanted, and just like every holiday asked me to "make a list." I have SOOO many online wishlists but my HotTopic list is definitely the list that most suites me and the one I update most often and they have a deal right now where if you spend $30 you get $15 in hot cash for a future purchase! Click on the pics to see/buy/want/obsess over for yourselves.

Too Fast Purple And Black Hacker BootsBling Snake Necklace
Teenage Runaway Butterfly Skeleton Zip White Tank TopSkull Scroll Hinge WalletDC Comics Batman Cut-Out Stainless Steel PlugsPiled Skull Heart NecklaceDisney Pop! Series 2 Jack Skellington Vinyl FigureBlack Rose PlugsManic Panic Nail Polish - HellfireFighter Not A Lover Girls T-Shirt

1. Too Fast Purple And Black Hacker Boots- I would absolutely LOVE to rock these boots on stage in a mini skirt.  |  2.Bling Snake Necklace- I have a bracelet that matches this. I love snakes too! | 3. Teenage Runaway Butterfly Skeleton Zip White Tank Top (M) - I love comfy tank tops and this design is really beautiful. | 4. Skull Scroll Hinge Wallet- I've needed a new wallet for a while now. This design is my style and the price is great! | 5. Batman Plugs (size 2g) - I just stretched my ears to 2 gauge from 4. I have tapers in still but need a whole new wardrobe of earrings. I dig Batman as much as I dig skulls and these are sweet. | 6.-Piled Skull Necklace- Yup I dig skulls. | 7. Jack Skellington- I love this series of Disney pop toys, but this one is by far my favorite.  |  8. Black Rose Plugs (size 2g)- see #5  |  9. Manic Panic Nail Polish- Hell Fire - I might not be able to dye my hair with Manic Panic due to work, but I can't paint my nails! | 10. Fighter Not A Lover Shirt- I would like to rock this on stage as well. You know, for the haters.

Monday, March 26, 2012

Random Awesomness : Pics

Last Monday Hayden received a "Good Citizen" award at school. He told us at first that he didn't know why, but after questions all evening said it was "Probably cause I helped some kids at recess and read quietly."
The cutest dog in the world aka Butters is snuggled up on Brian's work pants. He belongs to our friends Kyle and Mindy and is so cute in person your head will implode.
The band is writing new songs and we're working on doing a real music video as well as a new EP.  I'm extremely excited about both.
Yesterday we added some more plants to our botanical collection. Pink jasmine and a rose bush are prettying up the porch. I really miss my garden in Sacramento.  Full of roses, strawberries, honeysuckle, jasmine, daffodils, aloe, mint, and more I was really upset to have to walk away from it after five years of tending. I google mapped the old house and whoever moved in after us removed all of it except one lone rose bush. That just breaks my heart and also motivates me to work on another garden in my new home. Maybe, one I can move with me if I have to. In the mean-time I'll just keep buying potting plants.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Evolution of MY Self Confidence

The last few days I've been mulling over the topic of feminism and self confidence. The mulling was triggered by Girl Gone Child's post on her experience of finally accepting feminism, and then again with Gala Darling's post about self confidence, and then again this morning when I read Rock N Roll Bride's post about the art of self confidence.
I figured these were signs that I needed to address the inner issues I have with confidence and being female.

When I was younger I was a tom boy. I loved playing in the dirt, catching bugs, riding my bike, playing sports and competing with the boys. When I lived in off base military housing all my friends were boys and I didn't have a problem keeping up with them. Most of the time I felt like an equal but when I was about nine years old everything changed. Another girl moved into the cul-de-sac. She was not a tom boy. She wore pink dresses, didn't like to play sports or catch critters and all the boys acted different around her. Then they started treating me different. I wasn't invited to play kickball anymore, I was left behind on bike rides around the town, I was laughed at and teased for not acting like a girl. 

This was the start of my insecurities. It was carried into my teenage years by constantly being treated like a burden by father's ex-wife. She put me down constantly and limited the "toys" and clothes I was allowed to have. Things I loved that were considered "better for boys" (like a moped my dad fixed up and I loved to ride EVERY DAY) got taken away. I felt like being a girl was a punishment.

In high school I worked harder at being intelligent, strong and having fun then on my appearance. I fought to be considered equal to the males and I wrote about this in my 'zine. But inside I was confident with the person I was but not in the woman I was. It was a sad contradiction now that I think about it.

When Brian and I met back in 1999 (at 19 years old) my wardrobe consisted of tee shirts and jean. I kept my hair down and dyed it every now and then but never really "styled" it. I was comfortable with who I was in my head, but not who I was in my skin.Before him I had only had a couple boyfriends and was always shocked when a guy would actually be into me. I never felt like I was good at being a girl.
I've never been into fashion. I didn't like wearing dresses and didn't care much for brands most my life. No one taught me how to wear makeup or how to do my hair. I had to learn it on my own and still at 31, I'm not that good at it.

But Brian changed everything for me.
He made me feel beautiful and told me I was for the first time in my life.
Being called beautiful for the first time is a powerful moment in a woman's life.

It took time for my confidence to evolve.  After I had Hayden and had lost all the pregnancy weight plus an extra 25 pounds I had changed the way I shopped, dressed, put on makeup and styled my hair without realizing it. I did a photo shoot for the first issue of my magazine and when looking at the photos it hit me. At that moment I looked at a picture of myself and knew I was starting to be comfortable with being a woman.

Being on stage in front of people isn't an easy task for someone who's not comfortable with how they look. I counteracted that lack of physical confidence with a confidence in our music and talent. But it translated into my stage presence. I didn't move around a lot and couldn't engage with the crowd as I should of.

When my band Shovelfist first started I wore tee shirts and baggy pants.
 Here's a picture from Shovelfist in 2001.

 When  .bipolar. started playing shows I wore tee shirts and jeans.  
Here's a pic from 2005. 

After a year or so of playing shows here in Vegas, I decided to try something new and flaunt my femininity. I pushed myself to do something I wasn't necessarily comfortable with.  At a show last year I wore a short skirt, a tank top, fishnets and high heels. A brand new thing for me completely. To my surprise I felt great on stage in the new get-up and got more free drinks than I knew what to do with. 

This is a pic from that show. 

Now, I almost always dress up for shows. I have better confidence on stage and I've gotten more compliments on my interactions with the crowd more than ever before which in turn makes me feel like a better front person. 

I still have my every day bouts with confidence but I've come a long way from where I was even 3 years ago. 
It took love, pushing myself to do new things, and wanting to do it for myself that got me here.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012


My friend Jennifer was the first person to ever buy an ad from me in my high school zine The Spit.  She sold custom backpacks that were AWESOME. Furry, bright, and completely different than anything you could buy in a store. Now she's making awesome purses.
The one pictured is obviously for our band, or anyone to advertise that they are bipolar. I've sent her some other designs that she made fabric out of for purses which also came out AWESOME. (yeah, I know I use that word a lot)
Check out her AWESOME etsy store here.

Monday, March 19, 2012


Yesterday we spent most the day deep cleaning our house. Brian tackled the kitchen and I focused on the upstairs. I organized our office, vacuumed the entire upstairs and dusted.
Hayden even tried cleaning his room but after an hour gave up cause it was "toooo hard." He did pretty well though and even threw away some broken toys.

Even though it's not quite Spring yet here (it's 42 degrees and the mountains around Vegas are covered in snow), we're Spring cleaning the house and our lives. Out with the dirty, nasty drama and in with the positive change.

Friday, March 16, 2012

Fashion or lack thereof: Design. Design. Design.

I was able to retrieve some of my old freelance work from my external hard drive last night. I spent an hour looking through five years of banners, illustrations, ads, fliers, and t shirt designs and watching my style and inspirations change.
I used to love black and white with subtle hints of color and soft filigree. Then my inspiration shifted to bright graphic styles.

I love rich colors, bright illustrations with a dark or grungy theme. This translates into most of my design and fashion (which you would have noticed if you saw any of my previous fashion posts). Lately I've been leaning towards rich purples, different shades of gray, and red. 

Here's a collage of some of my favorite things right now. 

1. Freakshow Shirt-The Horror Project  2. Iron Fist Zombie Stomper Pump  3. Pearl Jam Buenos Aires Poster by Artillery Design  4. Twinkling Tarantula Pendant PlasticLand  5. Bat Attack Dress - Sourpuss Clothing.   6. Zombie Head Cookie Jar- ThinkGeek

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

The Conversation.

We were married and had been for about two years. We had been together for almost six. After years of both of us (well mostly me) mentioning that we didn't want children, the whole conversation changed with one sentence. Brian held my hand and said "If we have a child it will be a little piece of you and a little piece of me."
I didn't know how to respond, but I had never thought about it that way.
That sentence bounced around in my head like a pinball. Knocking loose all my strength on not wanting children. The conversation had changed.

We talked about it. And talked about it. Mostly I was the one with cold feet. I was the one with issues with being a parent. My issues were seeded deep and he knew this. But he assured me that I was not my mother, and I was not my father.

And now as a parent of a 5 year old whom we tried for, planned for and would pretty much do anything for I can look back at that conversation, how it changed and know that I am definitely a better parent than I ever expected to be. Especially with the examples I had.

I love my mom. Her and I have repaired a damaged relationship over the last 12 years. But she lives on the other side of the country. I could have really used a hug from her in the last two days even though she's not much of a hugger. She's been there for me the last 12 years and she loves her grandson.

My relationship with my father, however is volatile. I'm not going to list the many reasons why.
But I will say:  it really sucks when you have a person in your life that you constantly try to make happy even when they are being completely insane and unreasonable and no matter how hard you try to be the better person they still pull the rug out from under you. Which was done to me and my family this weekend.
After almost a year of everything being copacetic between us, the conversation completely changed and reminded me of how I never ever want to be anything like him.
And now, he's no longer invited to be part of my or my son's life.
It hurts but he chose to do this. He's chose to prove over and over again that he honestly doesn't give a shit about me or his grandson and this is the final nail in the coffin.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Weekend Redux: Karnival of Klovers- Rocking for Charity

  (photos by Dave Serdinak)
Saturday we played The Karnival of Klovers Charity Fashion Show. It was a blast and a serious carnival with great performers all night.  The highlights were the fire dancers, Jenevieve the Serpentine Sorceress, and some amazing designs from local Las Vegas designers. 
We played two sets of six songs and had a blast being apart of this events.
We talked Jenevieve into being apart of our Tarantino Themed Costume party on March 31st....and there's only one role for a beautiful snake dance in all of his movies and looks a little like this:


Friday, March 9, 2012

Random Awesomeness -Pics

I worked for a few hours last night updating my laptop with some awesome software of the adobe variety while watching movies, hanging with Hayden and waiting for Brian to get back from band practice.
We're playing an awesome Charity Fashion Show event tomorrow night to benefit the Las Vegas Humane Society. I'm stoked and one of the awesome designers Brieanna Brock made me a custom skirt to rock on stage. I will have photos next week.
Above are just some random photos from my instagram. 

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Lips sealed

I've tried REEEEEAAAAALLLLLY HARD to be positive since the new year. Some obstacles were hurdled over with the help of some kind people in my life, some gigantic pot holes were avoided, but still this road I'm on is paved with hardships I can't shake.
I have been dealing with some serious stress the last couple days. I haven't been sleeping well, I can't shake a crappy feeling and it's trickling down to my son and my husband.
I've bit my tongue and not done or said the things I would like to and I feel the tension just building up in my body like steam in a teapot.
I released some tension last night at practice but not enough.

What are your tension tamers?

Monday, March 5, 2012

Weekend Redux: Birthday Parties, Plants, and more.

Saturday we were invited to a birthday party at a bounce house place. It was a lot of fun for everyone and a good 2 hours of cardio! Hayden had a blast and was quite the character in a party full of girls.

A few weeks ago Hayden and I had picked up some plants to pot and add to our small collection in the backyard. We had inherited a thriving Aloe plant from a neighbor who abandoned it along with a mini pine of some sort. We bought a little sage plant, a red bell pepper, and some beautiful white flowers Hayden picked out called Candy Tuft. They have been doing pretty well on our wall, but I really want a space to make a real garden.  Our back porch is small and our front "yard" is really just rocks and a large bush. We'll have to come up with something unique to make it happen.

We had a nice productive weekend and a whole week of chaos starting today. This weekend we are playing a charity fashion show to benefit the Las Vegas Valley Humane Society. If you're in Vegas you should be there. Check out our page here for info.