I started this blog to keep writing about my life as a vocalist in a metal band, a mother, and a wife.
I have been a writer since I was in elementary school and writing has always been my emotional outlet. I don't write this blog to be appropriate or to tip toe around things that might make people uncomfortable, especially friends or family. So I'm going to stop tip-toeing now. Brian had made comments about me "putting our business out there" and how he didn't like it. Yet 11 years ago before he even knew what I looked like he read my innermost thoughts in my zine Klusterfuct. So now that things are falling apart, I'm not going to compromise who I am and how I deal with things.
I know my family reads this and I know sometimes what I write makes them "worry" about me. I don't want anyone to worry about me. I'm ok and I will get through this as I've gotten through every other pile of crap life has handed me. I will occasionally need some emotional support, and I will need to feel loved like everyone does when they are having a hard time.
This is unabashedly me.
A huge shift in the dynamic of my marriage happened about a year ago.
This last year has been the worst year of my life, seriously. After 11 years together everything has changed and frankly I've lost hope in it ever getting better.
I've tried everything I possibly can. I've been through all the emotional highs and lows of trying to save this but I can't force him to be the person he used to be and I can't force him to care if he just doesn't anymore. We can't take back what we've done and said to each-other in the last year.
Last night after I put Hayden to bed I drank two glasses of wine and balled my eyes out watching that lame ass movie with Jennifer Lopez in it called "The Backup Plan." Seriously, this is the lowest I've felt.
I'm dealing with it one day at a time and still don't know what the future holds.