Things I'm afraid to tell you

I read a lot of blogs. I have a whole bookmark list of beautiful blogs I read on a daily basis. All of them written by women whom I would love to be friends with. In a way I am, but its a very one sided friendship; I get to peek into their lives, get inspired by their style, learn about how to style their favorite hairstyles, laugh at their hilarious anecdotes on motherhood, and read through the pains of life. But while I sit here with my coffee and peek through these windows, there's no one peeking back at me. These women don't know me at all.

One of the blogs I frequent shared a link to another blog featuring a post about "Things I'm Afraid To Tell You."  A bunch of bloggers are participating in a small movement of openess on their blogs and you can find the participating list at Creature Comforts here.

Most of the blogs I read share so many beautiful inspiring things and not so much of the dirty struggles of life. Most of the bloggers participating in the Things I'm Afraid To Tell you movement address the issue of comparison. We see these beautifully edited lives and compare them to our not so beautifully edited lives, which is as productive as comparing our lives to television shows.

I've addressed a lot of my struggles in my blog like finances, marriage, job issues and more.  I don't have a huge array of readers like most of the blogs I read. I'm not really a fashion blogger or a design blogger either, so I guess it's a little less daunting for me to be extremely open but there are things I steer away from writing for fear that I will appear weaker or less interesting than I wish to. So many times I've typed up a post, saved it to my drafts, then thought about it. The words may sting and twist in my gut then I delete it.

So, now here are some of the Things I'm Afraid to Tell You

- I spend way too much time in front of my television.
Lately it's been playing Madden online against other people. Most of the time it's watching hours of television shows and movies. I get stuck in this void of unproductive television consumption and I know it's bad, and lazy, but when I'm broke and worked all day all I want to is veg out. I recently became addicted to Greek and have watched 5 whole seasons in the last month. I have to make a plan to be more productive, to work out, read more, and leave the house for more than band practice or shows.

- I don't have any real women/girl/female best friends anymore. 
When we first moved to Vegas I had acquired a handful of girlfriends pretty easily. A few I went to high school with and others I met through our band members or guy friends. I had a good group of best friends within a year of being here. One female pretended to be my friend then lied, caused an enormous amount of drama in my life whose tremors are still felt almost three years later. Someone I thought was a friend ended up being disrespectful and treating me like crap when I was going through a hard time. When I had issues in my marriage my real friends were there for me.  But when I lost my car and the ability to go out as often my friendships seemed to fade. I'm guilty of giving up on friends after time and time again of trying and getting no reciprocation. It sucks to text, call, email and message to spend time with them for it to never pan out.

- I worry too much.
I stress over things and let them get the best of me. Lately it's been not having a vehicle and sharing Brian's truck while it needs a ton of work. What if it breaks down and we have no money to fix it? What if we can't ever afford to get it registered? There's no bus line that runs from my house to my work.

-I wish we could be closer to families.
My mom and I have had a better relationship over the last 7 years then we ever had while I was growing up. She's been an awesome grandma to Hayden and it sucks that her and my stepdad live so far away in Florida. Brian's family is great and big, but they live in Washington and we're lucky if we get to see them once a year. Since my father has completely failed as a grandfather I feel like Hayden's lacking a real sense of family and what it should be.

-After 12 years of singing for bands I worry that I've wasted my time. 
I've had some amazing experiences being in bands over the last twelve years. I've met amazing people, wrote some passionate songs, played fun shows and tried my best to be a positive impact on both the Sacramento and Vegas music scenes. But in turn I've spent thousands of dollars and hours keeping the band afloat while now I really don't have a lot to show for it. I get frustrated when I feel like the other members of the band don't put in enough work or effort into it. I lose my motivation when ever someone quits. I hate that we continue to play shows and make little to no money.

So these are my few things I was afraid to share. Please make sure to visit the other many blogs of people divulging their innermost truths and support them.