Tuesday, March 13, 2012

The Conversation.

We were married and had been for about two years. We had been together for almost six. After years of both of us (well mostly me) mentioning that we didn't want children, the whole conversation changed with one sentence. Brian held my hand and said "If we have a child it will be a little piece of you and a little piece of me."
I didn't know how to respond, but I had never thought about it that way.
That sentence bounced around in my head like a pinball. Knocking loose all my strength on not wanting children. The conversation had changed.

We talked about it. And talked about it. Mostly I was the one with cold feet. I was the one with issues with being a parent. My issues were seeded deep and he knew this. But he assured me that I was not my mother, and I was not my father.

And now as a parent of a 5 year old whom we tried for, planned for and would pretty much do anything for I can look back at that conversation, how it changed and know that I am definitely a better parent than I ever expected to be. Especially with the examples I had.

I love my mom. Her and I have repaired a damaged relationship over the last 12 years. But she lives on the other side of the country. I could have really used a hug from her in the last two days even though she's not much of a hugger. She's been there for me the last 12 years and she loves her grandson.

My relationship with my father, however is volatile. I'm not going to list the many reasons why.
But I will say:  it really sucks when you have a person in your life that you constantly try to make happy even when they are being completely insane and unreasonable and no matter how hard you try to be the better person they still pull the rug out from under you. Which was done to me and my family this weekend.
After almost a year of everything being copacetic between us, the conversation completely changed and reminded me of how I never ever want to be anything like him.
And now, he's no longer invited to be part of my or my son's life.
It hurts but he chose to do this. He's chose to prove over and over again that he honestly doesn't give a shit about me or his grandson and this is the final nail in the coffin.